One Hypothetical Death Note

I greet everyone, people I have known, people who have known me and the rest connected ones.

I am going to end my life.

I am quiet certain about my decision, which by the way is an outcome of not sheer depression, but knowledge.

Knowledge of everything and everyone closely enough to end up disliking it all.
Knowledge of differences between lies and real lies.
Observation and a vibrant  mind, these have been my strength which ironically lead me to be this weak, or I’d say made me a quitting person.

I have had days of my life, where I’v met this ultimate desire ‘Happiness’ in person.
And other days trying everything to be someone, find my purpose.

I would really share the fact that,
Making people happy is the most pleasant activity to perform, I reckon, I had been good at that.

But life isn’t a good audience, it needs twists more than anything.
So it plays this card,
The fading card.
It is a phenomenon where every seed you ever planted never gives you a single leaf.
You watch your efforts, but sooner you encounter a barren field.
A dead land, just like that mind.

I don’t wish to dominate anyone’s thought processing neither do I wish to consume sympathy.

I just am tired of vicarious emotions, people and everything which remains under the clouds.

I am tired of being visible and invisible at the same time
Of watching hopes die and building new illusions each day.

I apologise to those few souls who have loved me,
I don’t try to make it unworthy
The problem is,
I am failing to reciprocate now,
And I have no courage to see anyone of you, leaving me.

Knowledge makes me stop
It holds me back from fooling my mind

But I don’t leave because my hope died.
I leave because, all that I ever received leaves me full, completely

And nothing fits more,
Not more enough,to wait.

Maybe people like me are losers
Then be it,
Someone has to be.

Ayrisha Sepaha


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